The Robot Uprising is already happening. And Humans want it bad.

     The robot uprising is a great plot point for science fiction writers. The astounding rate at which technology has advanced in my lifetime has me philosophical about what could be coming next. I have spent some time toying with the idea of artificial intelligence, (I totally intend to write a sci-fi novel someday) and with all my research and brainstorming, I came to the terrifying realization that one could easily make the argument that the technological singularity has already occurred. (I am not alone in this, thousands of people discuss it through social media daily)

    For those of you who don't know, the technological singularity, usually just called the singularity, is the theoretical point at which technological advancement becomes uncontrollable and irreversible, forever changing the course of human society. So when exactly the singularity will happen (or happened) depends on your definition of technology. Most consider that moment to be the birth of AI, the moment when technology can act truly independent from any human influence. But I have also read arguments stating the singularity occurred the moment man first used a tool to till the earth.

This is a picture of the most advance artificial intelligence (so far), Sophia. Please note, they gave her (it) a human name and face.

    

    I think that humanizing the robots we create makes us feel more at ease with what we are doing. I can imagine its a lot easier to work to improve this gentile, feminine looking husk than if it looked like Ultron from Marvel. (BTW, the Avengers movie totally botches Ultron's origin story, but I digress) I recently noted something like this happening in my own home.

    My wife recently bought a Roomba vacuum. It is an extremely useful piece of technology, and our house has been noticeably cleaner since it was set up. But I also noticed my wife and kids (heck maybe even me to an extent) have been treating this vacuum like it's another dog. They affectionately watch it go about it's business while commenting things like "There he goes!"  or "Uh oh, he's stuck!"

    

    How the vacuum was determined to be male, I don't know. But more important, this is not something the manufacturer put upon us. No owner's manual or marketing ploy gendered this vacuum. We did it ourselves, to make ourselves feel closer to the vacuum. 

 

One of these will suck up anything you drop on the floor and improve every aspect of your life. The other is a vacuum.

    As consumers continue to demand technology that takes more and more tasks from our daily lives, what we don't realize is that we are becoming more and more dependent on these machines. Our every day activities are changing to accommodate these computers. I realized to my chagrin that I was doing this to my car. Our Subaru Forester has a new feature called the driver monitoring system. It is a safety feature they invented that gives you little beeps and warnings if it catches you doing something like looking at your phone, or looking into the backseat while moving.

    

    This radically reduced the amount of texting while driving my wife used to do, which is magnificent, but the other day I realized that I had actually changed my posture while I drive to get fewer of these notifications from the damn car. I actually changed the way I sit, the way I hold the steering wheel because a piece of software told me to. I now turn off that particular feature when I drive.

 

    The next terrifying step in technology is closer than you think. My brother-in-law, Canuckis Maximus (as always, names have been changed to protect those who claim to be innocent) pointed this one out to me. The next step in technology will of course be installing these devices inside humans.

    Think back to the 90s. If someone said they were going to put a computer chip into you, you would be horrified. It is the exact kind of thing conspiracy theorists have been spouting since the invention of computers. In fact, I once worked for a company called BioScience Laboratories, and as it turned out there was a conspiracy locally that in our labs we were chipping people for the government. (we weren't doing anything that cool.)

    These days however, people are lining up to volunteer as test subjects for this kind of technology. Elon Musk, the well known tech guru and richest man on earth, has a company called Neuralink dedicated to researching how to communicate telepathically with machines through chips in your brain.

This is not photoshop. This is real, and voluntary.

    And so to my final thoughts. In 1996, a domestic terrorists by the name of Ted Kaczynski (better known as the Unabomber) was caught after almost 20 years of bombings. He left behind stacks and stacks of coded journals laying out a manifesto decrying the advancement of technology and the loss of human independence. That was nearly 30 years ago.

    

    I've seen the manifestos of mad men (not first hand, research. I swear I'm not crazy) and they always come off as rambling and insane. But if you look at the stuff Ted Kaczynski was writing, not only is it disturbingly coherent for someone that did the things he did, it paints a very bleak picture of the future we are running into.

    I think that we have already passed the singularity. We have already reached a point that we cannot function without the technology we integrated into our everyday life. Put your smart phone away for a week and prove me wrong.

I'm Going on an Adventure!

    One of the great things about Montana is the incredible amount of options you have for outdoor recreation. In the winter, you're screwed, (see my previous blog complaining about the never ending winter in Montana) but from June to Early September, there are all sorts of amazing things to do and see under the big sky.

    Growing up, I did none of those things. My parents were not outdoorsy. In my youth I never went camping, hiking, hunting, fishing, or any other sort of outdoor activity, and that was just fine by me. Outside is a messy place, full of things that can make you sore, uncomfortable, or late for supper. I used to spend every available hour of my time in a dark room, glued to a TV or computer screen. I was extremely pale, and spent so little time in the sun, my friends used to call me 'the vampire'.

I still use this line when I'm feeling particularly lazy.

    Since meeting my wife, the ever lovely Princess Consuela Bananahammock, (as always, names have been changed to protect those who claim to be innocent) I have gradually gotten over my phobia of all things out doors. I camp, I hike, I float the rivers, and I ride the trails on my four-wheeler.

    It is that last one that I am writing about today, because yesterday I went riding in the mountains, and things... didn't go well. Have you ever been in a situation where something happens and your brain switches from 'What will I do when I get home?' to 'How am I going to make it home?' 

    Maybe you were at the airport and realized you left your wallet in the taxi. Maybe you broke down on a rural backroad with no traffic. I have had that internal dialogue several times in my life, and it's never a fun scenario. 

    This was my first time out this year. The quad had been sitting in my garage all winter without being used. So, of course the first thing I had to do in preparation for the ride was to pull the four-wheeler out and jump the battery. (BTW, the battery on this thing is in the stupidest possible spot. Tremendous pain in the ass to get to.) It started right up, I drove around for maybe 30 minutes to make sure it was good and charged, then I loaded it up on the truck and headed to the mountain.

Delmoe Lake, just outside of Butte, where I went riding.

    As a point of safety, I want to point out that you should never, ever ride alone. I met my friend,  Duke Amazeballs for the ride. Things went great for the first three or so hours. We got a good 17 miles from the trucks before we encountered anything remotely treacherous on our ride. 17 miles up trails so narrow that it is only possible to ride single file. Then suddenly, for no reason either of us could discover, my engine dies. Dead battery.

    A lifetime of owning piece-of-shit vehicles, and a wife that loves to leave the lights on has given me the habit of always carrying jumper-cables with me. We were able to jump my quad using his, but as I said, my battery is in a god awful location, underneath the vehicle, and to access his battery, he had to take apart several components. All after maneuvering two ATVs side by side on a trail only wide enough for one.

    After the jump, we were all too eager to get back to the trucks. But perhaps maybe half a mile later, same problem. Dead battery. Dead four-wheeler. Right about then was when my brain did the switch. How could I possibly get this 800 pound vehicle back to the truck? Duke Amazeballs saved the day, that's how.

    Luckily, my ATV has a winch package on it. Of course, the winch runs OFF THE BATTERY! So we had to jump the ATV again, just so we could let the winch out. As it turns out, my winch has a length of eight feet. Duke towed me through seventeen miles of uneven, rocky terrain on an eight-foot tether. It was rough, and at times terrifying. Every pebble, every stick he hit got shot right into me.

    But I made it back. I am writing this from the comfort of my computer, inside my well-lit, temperature controlled home. I think I'll stay put for a while.

    

Beauty is Pain!

     Gentlemen, turn to your lady and give her a hearty thank you for all she does to make herself look good. She doesn't  do it for her, she does that for you. It's a part of American society that we don't really pay attention to, and it is ingrained in us from a young age. My daughter will dutifully sit in my wife's lap for hours getting curlers and product put into her hair; being tugged, pulled, and primped into the perfect hair style. If you so much as approach my son with a hair brush he runs screaming because, "It hurts my head."

    That is some gender inequality right there. And I won't even get into the crazy shit that grown women do for the sake of appearances.

If you don't think beauty is pain, take a look at any ballerina's feet.

    American women spend on average $3,756 a year on their appearance. Surprisingly, men aren't far behind. Men spend an average of $2,928 on their appearance. I can promise you I am well below the average. (Sorry, dear wife.)  So, when your wife or girlfriend comes home with a new look to show off, there is only one acceptable reaction, and that is "You look great, I love it."

    This is marriage 101 of course, but after 16 years of marriage, I sometimes forget the basics. (sorry again dear.) I was reminded of this because I recently made a change to my appearance, and things...didn't turn out well.

    I don't change my look. I don't know why, but once something is established and comfortable, I keep it as long as humanly possible. There have only been three times I can think of in my entire life that I have made a real change to my style.  When I was in Elementary School, I had a bowl cut. I looked nerdy and eerily similar to Alfalfa from Little Rascals. 

    

It's like looking into a nerdy little mirror.

    I kept that haircut all the way through 7th grade.  First day of Eighth grade I strut into class with a buzz cut, and received rave reviews. I got complemented on how good I looked by several girls I liked, and apparently that was all I needed to hear to rock that look for the next 24 years. I would style it here and there between cuts, but I always buzzed it back down when it got too long. Full disclosure - I did attempt to bleach my hair my Junior year. Eminem was new and SO COOL, I just had to try it. (As it turned out, my hair was too dark and the over the counter kit just left my hair an orange/bronze color. My friends called me copper-top for months)

    So for the last decade and a half, my wife has been living with me and my buzz cut, and she has been begging for me to grow it out, or to "PLEASE DEAR GOD JUST DO SOMETHING WITH IT!". So for the last several months, I have been growing my hair out, and just yesterday, I got a perm.

    

Not a picture of me. His perm looks way better.

    

    A perm! Big change you say. Well, as it turns out it was a lesser change that I made that ended up being the big news. I have always had dark head hair, and my facial hair has always been much lighter, almost blonde. It was a travesty when I was in high school, mourning that I would never have facial hair as dark as my head. I always wondered what I would look like if my facial hair matched my head hair. So, while I was getting my perm done, I had the stylist dye my facial hair too.

    After months of growing out my hair, after years of my wife telling me how much she likes curls and positively begging me to get a perm, I strutted confidently home for the big reveal.

    My wife laughed until she cried. My kids teased me, while howling with laughter. The dogs barked at me. They were so blown away by what I'd done to my facial hair that I had to point out I had gotten a perm. I gave it a day, I thought with time, they would get used to it and maybe even like it. Didn't work. I actually had to shave it clean to stop the tormenting.

    So back to the original point. When somebody you love does anything to their appearance, no matter how hideous, break it to them gently. As soon as the perm washes out, know what I'm doing?

Getting a buzz cut.

The Batman

     I have been a huge fan of comic books for most of my life, but my favorite has always been Batman. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think he seems more human and relatable than most comic book heroes. Batman can't leap tall buildings in a single bound. He can't run faster than a speeding bullet. He's a human man with human weaknesses. 

    Batman was first seen in May of 1939. It was Detective Comics, issue # 27. Written by Bill Finger and illustrated by Bob Kane, The dark knight would go on to create an entire superhero universe, years of animated and live action television series, video games, and dozens of movies - some of which are still considered among the best movies ever made. As the opening to the 2017 LEGO Batman movie says, "DC, the house that Batman built. Yeah, what Superman? Come at me bro."

I actually have a surprisingly large amount of batman art in my house.

    My personal obsession started in 1993 with the story of Knightfall, the story arc in which Batman is broken  and defeated by Bane. (DC comics got on this kick in the early 90s. The death of Superman storyline also happened in 1993) Bane is a criminal mastermind, one of the few villains to work out that Bruce Wayne is Batman. He is infused with an experimental drug called Venom which gives him superhuman strength. In film he is usually portrayed as a dim, even incoherent villain sidekick, which irks me to no end.

    Like most people who have read the books before seeing the movie, the inconsistencies between the two always bug me. When I see characters with grand story arcs that are completely ignored, I get hot under the collar. For example, I refused to watch Iron Man 3 because of what they did to the Mandarin and Iron Patriot. (I mean really people Iron Patriot isn't even a hero, he's a villain.)  And I haven't watched a single movie with 'Batfleck' (the common derogatory reference to Ben Affleck's time as the caped crusader) because he uses guns. The biggest rule about Batman is no guns. 

I can't fully explain how much this picture ticks me off.

    For me, the trilogy starring Christian Bale as the dark knight will always reign supreme, and rightly so. 2008's The Dark Knight is #3 on IMDB's top movies of all time. (Behind The Shawshank Redemption and The Godfather mind you.) Tragically, Heath Ledger would not live to see the success of his portrayal as the Joker. When word released that Heath Ledger had died shortly after playing the Joker, my first thought (callously, I know) was how great this movie was going to be. In the comics, the Joker has a storied history of being so insane that he causes mental illness in those around him. So when I heard that the man playing him died from causes related to mental health, I knew we would finally see the Joker portrayed as he should be.(like I said, callous, but true. And he received a posthumous Oscar for the role.)

    I bring up all this Batman nostalgia because I just recently finished watching The Batman, the latest film adaptation starring Robert Pattinson as Batman. Like many fans, I was apprehensive at the casting of a man best known as a sparkly vampire to be the dark knight. (Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the Twilight books, but this is important stuff here.) But after seeing the film (twice) I've got to say, Pattinson kills it. He plays a darker, more violent Batman than other iterations, but it was his portrayal of Bruce Wayne that really got me.

    For the first time in movies or comics, I felt that this Bruce Wayne couldn't possibly be Batman. Bruce Wayne is usually portrayed as a ripped, charismatic socialite that spends lots of time in the spotlight of Gotham's elite. There have been many times when I see a Bruce Wayne and I think (with an eyeroll) 'Seriously, no one thinks that this guy is Batman?'

     

Really think this guy looks like Batman?

    Pattinson's sullen, emo Bruce Wayne is the first time I ever felt like this guy could never be Batman. I greatly enjoyed the movie, and I look forward to the next installment, which I think may be the 'No Man's Land' storyline based on the way the first movie ends. But no spoilers here! 

For more information on Batman, visit your local comic book retailer!