Sunday, June 5, 2022

The Worst Ever Way to Wake Up

     Previously in this blog, I have mentioned my two dogs. One is named Penny, (who gets her name from The Big Bang Theory) and the other is Dude. (See my previous entry on my eternal fascination with The Big Lebowski) I do not change the names of my pets in these blogs because dogs seem to be much less likely to complain about being mentioned online, and infinitely less litigious.

    Penny is a Border Collie - Griffon cross. She weighs maybe 45 pounds and is a decent sized pup. Dude is a Chiwienie. (chihuahua-wiener dog cross however you spell that word) He weighs maybe 5 pounds, and he is Princess Consuela Bananahammock's favorite thing in the world. (Names of humans have been altered to protect those who claim to be innocent)

    I never thought I would like having a small dog. They always seemed like bossy, yippy little things. (Don't get me wrong, Dude is both bossy and yippy) But what I didn't expect, is that, in the end, they are still dogs. They love you with all their heart, they are loyal, and they act as if nothing could ever make their day more than to greet you at the door, tail wagging like mad.

My favorite picture of Dude. As you can see, he's calm, cool, and collected.

    Since Dude is so perfectly travel-sized, we do just that. We travel with him. I am actually writing this from an Air B&B in sunny California. Dude has traveled with us several times without issue, but this particular trip - issue.
    We arrived in LA after a long day spent doing nothing but travelling. We hadn't packed any food for the Dude, intending to just buy some of his usual fare when we arrived at our destination. However, we arrived late in the evening, and as it turned out, the nearest place that was open did not have his usual brand of dog food.
    As you may have experienced, dogs do not adjust well to new diets. The digestive system of a dog baffles me. A dog can tear into a garbage bag that has been sitting in the sun for a week and be perfectly fine. But switch a dog from Iams to Purina and it become more like a perfect storm.
We've all known a dog like this.

    So my little dog Dude got a small bowl of a brand new dog food. He ate it up, and we all went to sleep, perfect storm a-brewing.
    When we are traveling, Dude usually sleeps in bed with us. At home, he's got a extra puffy rug on Princess Consuela's side of the bed that he sleeps on, but we don't bring it with on trips, so he just sleeps on the bed.
    This morning, early (and I mean early) I awoke quite suddenly to the sound of violent diarrhea. It was dog diarrhea, and it was happening ON MY PILLOW INCHES FROM MY FACE! 
    I do believe that is the fastest I have ever gone from dead asleep to wide awake in my life. I let loose a guttural yell-scream that is a completely involuntary sound. It's just the sound you make when you wake up because your wife's purse-dog is taking a dump on the pillow you are using.
    Luckily, I got the full sympathy of Princess Consuela, who immediately woke to the wild howling I was doing. She had the outstanding self-control to contain her laughter until after the dog had been punished and the mess cleaned.
    But then the laughing and the jokes started. And she kept it up for easily an hour. It's the hardest she has laughed since I walked in with my dyed facial hair. (see previous posts for that wonderful story) But after maybe an hour and a half of laughing at me (now probably 5 am) she was able to settle into a hearty chuckle, and we fell back asleep - on all fresh linens mind you.

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