Get those tasty grubs!
Next time you find yourself at the zoo, or perhaps watching a nature documentary of some kind (FYI - The David Attenborough fan club has over 387k members), watch how the animals interact with others of their own kind. It doesn't have to be wild or exotic animals either, if you have multiple cats, or dogs, watch them long enough, and you will see some form of grooming happening. At some point, Mr. Fluffypants will lick down Zazzles, or perhaps you'll see a monkey pluck a juicy grub from off his mom's back and chow down.
In my own pack, I am subjected to this construct as well. Every few days my wife, the lovely Princess Consuela Bananahammock, will pin me down and search me head to toe for any little blemish or mark and ruthlessly scour it from my body. Only once she is satisfied am I allowed free, pink and sore. I have always hated these little moments of hers, and fought to avoid them. Only recently have I learned to accept them as a sign of love, and not a malicious intention to cause me physical harm.
So the other day, whilst sitting on my wooden porch stairs, I attempted to scoot three inches to one side to let my daughter pass. The resultant scooch left me with half a dozen splinters in my butt cheeks. Princess Consuela's spidey sense went wild, and before I could make a break for it, I found myself bare assed on my own front porch.
Now, I live in Montana, I don't have many neighbors, and we all sort of keep to ourselves. But I still think that the sight of a digging intently at her husband's ass crack out on the porch just might be a subject of gossip.
But every cry of "Can't we do this inside?" and "DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW?!" fell upon deaf ears. She was in the zone, completely enthralled, happy as a pig in shit. I was told to shut up and man up.
Ten minutes I stood there as she poked, prodded and scraped loose each and every one of the eight slivers she managed to find, soaking up lots of sun where the sun isn't supposed to shine. After double and triple checking her work, she seemed to come out of a sort of trance.
Standing up and heading inside at last she asked, "Do you think any of the neighbors saw?"
"Well," I replied, "if they did, I'm sure we'll see it on YouTube."
